Apparently people find it amusing to push me around.. To set me up or ditch me at the last moment. I've really had it with those people. Seriously if I could just run up to them and punch them in the face for it I would've already done it (I'm not even kidding)

The past few days I've been in a terrible mood, and I've been rubbing it off on people. I'm very well aware of it myself.. But there's a reason behind all this, and I'll give you all a bit of a heads-up on that:

 It's a piece of an old blog I wrote a while ago but changed back to draft again because there was too much shit in it that I didn't want people to read it anymore.. Yet there's still a part that I want to show to people who're willing to read it. It's something personal, something that bothers me a whole lot more than I let on;

But it's also a lot my fault as well.. I let people come too close to me too fast.. Also, I can give people the wrong idea pretty quickly simply because I tend to be sweet and kind to everyone! As for rp partners, I always become a bit clingy with them, send them "love you"'s and hearts and kisses and all that jazz. That way, I've been giving a lot of people the wrong idea.. And that's what I really hate about myself. I hate that I'm too scared to voice out what I really think.. Because with some it gotten quite far which in the end costed some of my best friendships with certain people.. And that's what I regret the most, that I let them get too close to me at first.. and when I suddenly feel and admit that they've gotten too close, I push them away.. I ignore them and try so hard to avoid them simply because I feel forced to talk to them, because I let them walk over me so easily.. It makes me feel so weak, such a coward who can't say what she really means, how she feels.. and what she wants and doesn't want..  

I got this reality check a while ago.. I just can't be nice to everyone in the same way.. I mean, if I keep on giving people the wrong idea.. I don't know, it's a burden.. Really. There have been people.. Like rp partners I've grown feelings for and stuff in the past.. I mean, heck.. I had a LDR of 1 year and somewhat 3/4 months with a girl from America, about 2 years ago now. I'm not saying it could never happen again.. Cuz with those things you never know.. But still, for some people I really mean what I say.. That I love them, that I feel a connection of some sort.. Not quite in the direction of being actually attracted to them.. But more in the way of feeling close to people. I have people that I couldn't even think about getting that close to in the first place, but for some reason they keep pulling me closer to them, and that scares me at times.. 

I wish could just voice out my feelings towards those people who're actually clinging too much to me.. But I just need to find the courage to actually get to it. It might take a long time.. And I might lose some close friends in the process.. But if I can't be honest to them.. Then what? Then they'll just pull me in even more.. With no way out of it.

Now I'm as far as just stop completely with the whole clinginess on msn, skype and all other social media out there. People might be taken aback by it, but they should just let me be.. I'm getting sick of people telling me what to do, who to be to them. I've had it with all the people claiming me for no reason at all.. There are a lot people who keep on ranting about me being their best friend and stuff, and some even go as far as "claiming" me as theirs. For everyone's information;



I always tend to show people the "happy" side of me far too much, that they even forget that even I can get angry, that I can even get upset or sad or anything in those lines.. And when I'm just in a neutral mood to go about asking me to cheer up. "Because you're always so cheerful and happy! This is so unlike you!" Well, that's upsetting me, people have an image of me I can't always keep up. There are times that even I need some time to myself, to just have some me time once in a while. But there you have it, people getting butthurt about me not being online as much as before, or that I tend to sound cold.. Well, this is why. I just want to create a proper distance between those friends and me where I feel most comfortable with.

I'm sick of having to be there only to please others, while I'm putting taking care of myself aside. So from now on, I'll be at least that bit more selfish.

There are people, and there will always be, that I'll be nice to regardless of whatever. Because there is a small group of precious friends I cherish, that know me through and through.. Maybe even know me better than I know myself. To those people.. Thanks for always being there, thanks for sticking close even when I had my emotional breaking points.. I love you all, the old ones and the new ones.. You're awesome.

To round this terrible rant off, there's no particular person this is pointed at.. It's a group of friends spread over different places, a total random group.. And I know there are at least 5 in that group who'd take this terribly personal and will start bitching to me about it. To those I'll say in advance; I don't give a shit anymore.


Happy Friday everyone ^^ and to all the Dutch people out there, enjoy the Carnival break!