You hear it a lot when people break up, that usually people cut their hair in order to "leave it all behind", right? Well, I did do some sort of similar thing, since I've been single for a while now. Anyways, I went to the hairdresser today with a fresh mind, wanting to change something in the way I looked. Welp, then this happen;



Alright, so I went from a weird.. out of order half-long hair to a short, boyish cut. And I'm loving it! Even the hairdresser said it reaaaaally looked good on me. I got some inspiration for this cut from Tumblr, I love following blogs about tomboys/genderqueer stuff, and also a blog with lotsa short hairstyles for girls! And this is what happened, magically~ So far everyone said it looks nice and all, dad was a little indifferent about it.. My mom... Was weeping inside ;w; poor her, she was the one giving me money for the hairdresser so she blames herself for it.. NAH I KEED. She'll have to get used to it of course :) it's been about 4/5 years since I had it this short!

But now, with the hair there also have been some things that I want to leave behind with it. I've been practically walking around in the shadows for a while, not really getting myself out there.. I'm really pissed off at myself for that. I let the most trivial things affect me WAY too easily! That's why I put some goals for myself that I really want to achieve before the end of the year.. Some are easy, some aren't as easy as I want them to be. There are a lot of things that I'd rather.. change to make me feel better about myself. I never change myself for the better of others, only for myself.

I've had a lot of people throughout my life who told me to do things differently, the old me would've taken their "advice" and would've changed immediately. But not anymore, things changed, people around me changed and so did I. I no longer have the desire to dress up as people expect me to, or how they want me to. "It's not what's fashion nowadays." Please, define fashion for me. And then see how much of a fuck I give.

It's not that I have only been thinking about that, nah.. I have so many things that have been keeping me awake the past couple of weeks.. months maybe! I want to go out more, see people.. Do fun things! But somehow I'm keeping myself at home doing nothing.. And that pisses me off even more.I wanna go see people who I've had to miss for a long time already, I have so many things to attend to in the upcoming few months.. A new school I'll go to in a few months (since yes, I finally received my degree on paper, officially done at Fontys and will apply for university this weekend! EXCITED AND NERVOUS AS FUCK!)

There's going to be a whole new world opening before me.. I wonder what university life will be like, what kind of people I'll meet there and.. yeah all that jazz. I'll miss the peepz I have here of course... Despite I won't be living in Nijmegen right away. Might take a few months to get used to it and then see if there's a room available somewhere. Well I've got the time. Only need the money for it pretty much.

Then I'll get to my last part of self-talkery, I've been driving.. or rather, my scumbag brains have been driving  me crazy with stupid feelings that I'd rather just rip out of me and throw away in the garbage. Y'know, just like you just click on some old files on your pc, drag 'em all the way to the bin and delete everything at once. No way you'll ever regain those files again. Unfortunately this is not how the human mind works, because the human mind always likes to remind you of old feelings you thought you've gotten rid of. But noooo~ They always come back when you don't want them too :D YAY FOR HUMAN PSYCHE!

Not but seriously, lately I've been thinking a lot of a few people, y'know.. People you kind of miss in your life. Well, sometimes you still think of those people, and you wish that things still were as they used to be.. That you sort of miss their touch. And that's why I want to get myself out there, because I find myself clinging desperately on the past, and that's the last thing I want. I don't want myself falling back into that old pattern of; "Maybe.. we can change things and try it once more." Because that certainly isn't going to happen. I have to put that stuff behind me and open myself up to new people, who'll maybe be better for me than those others were before.

It's not that I'm one of those sad cases who actually tries to find someone, cuz that doesn't work for me.. I have to sort of .. idk, not expect it to happen, then it will happen. I just think it would be nice to.. you know, have someone to come home to, who you can call in the middle of the night without upsetting or pissing them off. I miss the good-morning and good-night texts, I miss the sweet nothings, the cuteness and all the jazz that comes with it. It's like love has been as a foreign language to me, I totally grew out of the whole thing and just make love to my laptop instead .w.; I don't have to sweet talk that thing.

Maybe, I'll go to one of those LGBTQ parties my friend once invited me to.. Who knows, it could be fun. Trying never hurts right? I might give it a shot some time soon.

Ah, as for the weekend.. Parents are gone most of the time, and on Saturday I'm going to see Cabin in the Woods in the movies.. It's a horror TT 3 TT hopefully one of my buddies will hold my hand when it gets scary! I'll pee my pants if it's going to be terribly scary! So I'll probably hog Ruud and Daan with my angsty behaviour and fearful cries!

That's about it for today.. Wow, scrolling up I'm really amazed about the amount of bullcrap I've been writing up until now 8D But, that's what self talk's for right?