DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.


Seriously. Ever had the feeling as if you're working your ass off to get away from certain things, but then suddenly fall back easy as that.. I really feel as if all the effort I put into keeping myself on track has been blown of by that tiny, yet visible weakness. Things I used to hold onto, and tried so hard to just push away and not care for anymore.. I used to just think that I'd better off without spending sleepless nights thinking abou it over and over again - I was driving myself INSANE.

Aaaaaaand there we are again, square one - rock bottom - first base or whatever the heck you'd call it. "Terug bij af" is what we'd say in Dutch. I think it has never been entirely gone, it was always present somewhere.. That feeling of missing something that used to be part of your daily routine basically. It's weird feeling like this again, not entirely bad tho.. But just awkward.

Luckily my scumbag mind doesn't go bonkers on me now. It's actually quite calm. Even though I haven't felt this as strong as a few months ago.. I feel quite sober, I'm the one in control this time. Actually, I'm happy about how things are now.. I've come to terms with it, so to say. I might have thrown my chance away, but that doesn't mean I can't be a source of support and care, right? As long as I can be there for them, I'm happy.

It's just something you can't control right? Just because someone disappeared for a while doesn't mean you stop caring for them. But it's basically like this now; if they're happy, I'm happy.

I know this might sound pretty vague for people who don't know what might be going on.. And maybe it's better that way since I just don't want to trouble others with this.

On a brighter note, I'm starting to teach myself some Italian. Just because I feel like I want to learn more languages than just the basic ones we learn in school here. My English has been developed throughoutly over the years, my German is... Ich kann nur ein bischen Deutsch sprechen.. My French has gone down the drain badly, merde.. and well, don't get me started on my awkward Japanese (which I'll be picking up again after I taught myself some decent Italian.) I've been to Italy only once, would love to go back and visit Venice again... and of course go to Rome! I'd love to go together with some people, maybe next year! And then I'll put my language skills to the test *^*!

(Why does this all make me think of Hetalia.. pfff my brain. It's late.)

Summer has officially started.. But it's not like it's visible here or anything. I've a lot of things planned this summer. I'll start working soon, another birthday to attend to, 2 weeks home alone to FINALLY get some friggin' rests off of things. Those will be the days I'll be looking forward to.. In about a month I'll be home alone 8D Muwahah, no nagging parents, no others to really take notice off. I can do whatever I want as long as I feed and walk the dog =w=.

As for cosplay, ALMOST THERE!

To finish this .. weird blog off, .. I really have nothing else to say than something in beautiful Italian; Non ho rinunciato su di voi.

Buona notte a tutti!